And I die each moment because of my guilty conscience. I am in the present with my thoughts always lying in the past and the future. I am living to develop the theorem that will make me understand the cause and effect of things. I will be the greatest mathematician the world has ever seen, I will have answers to questions that have remained unasked. I will develop an equation that will calculate my actions in the present and find the reactions in the future, or the reaction in the present by the action of the past that will calculate the karma of the later part of my life. All this sounds rather absurd to the ordinary head and is baffling to the imprecise mind. You have to be educated and informed to be able to handle this mystery called life. The evolution to Homo sapiens, the animal category that we belong to, is the change from the previous generations by the development of the brain; it is not that the generations before us were empty headed but we, the Homo sapiens are more disciplined and earnest about the thinking process. So, this is what sets us apart, the brain. Mr. Darwin’s theory was established in the same way, my thinking way. He sat down through the night thinking about the mathematical formula that would solve all his questions and he came up with the theory of evolution, the theory that answered his question, but only half. What about the future? Well, my theorem or equation will work on a higher level, it will calculate, as I said, our actions and reactions for the past, present and the future.
I am not interested in finding out anything about the origin of life on earth, I am more concerned about living in the present, the reason I am born for but to live in the present I have to turn back to the past and clear the way for the future. Will that be living in the present? Well, the thinking job is not all that easy, that is why we don’t have many thinkers or philosophers. Alice fell and Gulliver travelled, all these unconventional stories have an action to it, and then there is a reaction to the fall and the travel. And in a way they were escaping the present they were living in or were forced to escape the present or whatever way we put it. And I just dream of better days; reminds me of Ozzy Osbourne’s Dreamer- I’m just a dreamer, I dream my life away/ I’m just a dreamer, who dreams of better days.
Even dreaming about better days is not living in the present.
The more I think about it and go deeper into this chasm, I find myself further away from the answers. I find myself in that dark hollow where even the shadow leaves you; reminds me of the conversation I had with a friend where my friend told me that in a way nights are actually the time when we are what we are, we live being who we actually are; where the shadow, which represents the darkness inside us that we want to hide from the world, is not something outside us, it is us, with all our light and darkness. During the day when we are not alone, we only put the brighter side of ourselves in front of people and leave the darkness called shadow lying and crawling down on the floor. But the shadow is our identity. And what is the identity actually worth if we do not live in the present? It will remain like a carcass, a cadaver people will look at and talk about, try to solve the riddle about the animal it belonged to; it will just be the identity to identify the corpse. You will hear none of this as you lie there soul-less.
Milan Kundera’s The unbearable lightness of being lies on the bedside table and just looking at the book reminds me of his words- “when a man focuses on his present, he is outside of time, he is in a state of ecstasy. He has no fear because the source of fear is in the future and a person freed of the future has nothing to fear”. He also goes on to say that there is a certain part of all of us that lives outside of time and hence most of the time we are ageless. Well, Mr. Milan sat down through the night thinking about the mathematical formula that would answer his questions.
Well, to conclude I look back and see the dark chasing me and I run toward the light concealing God only knows what, a pit? I run through my present towards uncertainty. If only I could sit down and look at my face smiling at me on the dew drops on the grass. Could the grass hold the dew if it kept oscillating on the swing of past and future?
The above extract is taken from Kashiv’s diary, consciousness.
Image courtesy- pinterest
Title courtesy- song DREAMER by OZZY OSBOURNE.