CONSCIOUSNESS, diary, life



dreamer 1



And I die each moment because of my guilty conscience. I am in the present with my thoughts always lying in the past and the future. I am living to develop the theorem that will make me understand the cause and effect of things. I will be the greatest mathematician the world has ever seen, I will have answers to questions that have remained unasked. I will develop an equation that will calculate my actions in the present and find the reactions in the future, or the reaction in the present by the action of the past that will calculate the karma of the later part of my life. All this sounds rather absurd to the ordinary head and is baffling to the imprecise mind. You have to be educated and informed to be able to handle this mystery called life. The evolution to Homo sapiens, the animal category that we belong to, is the change from the previous generations by the development of the brain; it is not that the generations before us were empty headed but we, the Homo sapiens are more disciplined and earnest about the thinking process. So, this is what sets us apart, the brain. Mr. Darwin’s theory was established in the same way, my thinking way. He sat down through the night thinking about the mathematical formula that would solve all his questions and he came up with the theory of evolution, the theory that answered his question, but only half. What about the future? Well, my theorem or equation will work on a higher level, it will calculate, as I said, our actions and reactions for the past, present and the future.

I am not interested in finding out anything about the origin of life on earth, I am more concerned about living in the present, the reason I am born for but to live in the present I have to turn back to the past and clear the way for the future. Will that be living in the present? Well, the thinking job is not all that easy, that is why we don’t have many thinkers or philosophers. Alice fell and Gulliver travelled, all these unconventional stories have an action to it, and then there is a reaction to the fall and the travel. And in a way they were escaping the present they were living in or were forced to escape the present or whatever way we put it. And I just dream of better days; reminds me of Ozzy Osbourne’s Dreamer- I’m just a dreamer, I dream my life away/ I’m just a dreamer, who dreams of better days.

Even dreaming about better days is not living in the present.

The more I think about it and go deeper into this chasm, I find myself further away from the answers. I find myself in that dark hollow where even the shadow leaves you; reminds me of the conversation I had with a friend where my friend told me that in a way nights are actually the time when we are what we are, we live being who we actually are; where the shadow, which represents the darkness inside us that we want to hide from the world, is not something outside us, it is us, with all our light and darkness. During the day when we are not alone, we only put the brighter side of ourselves in front of people and leave the darkness called shadow lying and crawling down on the floor. But the shadow is our identity. And what is the identity actually worth if we do not live in the present? It will remain like a carcass, a cadaver people will look at and talk about, try to solve the riddle about the animal it belonged to; it will just be the identity to identify the corpse. You will hear none of this as you lie there soul-less.

Milan Kundera’s The unbearable lightness of being lies on the bedside table and just looking at the book reminds me of his words- “when a man focuses on his present, he is outside of time, he is in a state of ecstasy. He has no fear because the source of fear is in the future and a person freed of the future has nothing to fear”. He also goes on to say that there is a certain part of all of us that lives outside of time and hence most of the time we are ageless. Well, Mr. Milan sat down through the night thinking about the mathematical formula that would answer his questions.

Well, to conclude I look back and see the dark chasing me and I run toward the light concealing God only knows what, a pit? I run through my present towards uncertainty. If only I could sit down and look at my face smiling at me on the dew drops on the grass. Could the grass hold the dew if it kept oscillating on the swing of past and future?


The above extract is taken from Kashiv’s diary, consciousness.


dreamer 3
Being conscious is feeling the rain, the sublte drops of crystal, when its raining.




Image courtesy- pinterest

Title courtesy- song DREAMER by OZZY OSBOURNE.


58 thoughts on “DREAMER”

  1. Ok… knee-jerk reaction to your post ❤️. Then thought more and it will take me a wee bit of time to chew on this but initially I am not convinced of a span-of-time of evolution of Darwin’s but I am convinced of a personal evolution, which is part personal revolution and we only change if we are willing to rebel against what others consider our reality. ?? I appreciate your thoughts here. I am a fan of Alice. Often feel like her twin sister, as so many of us do. 😊🧡🕊

    Liked by 4 people

    1. The theory of evolution is hard to take in but as you said the humans have evolved personally. There has been a change in humans , and there is a constant change occurring each moment. Living for thousands of years we’ve experienced a lot. This is evolution. And you are also right in saying that we only change if we are willing to rebel against what others consider our reality, this is so powerful.
      Thank you so much, Jeanne for your words…! Glad you liked it.

      Liked by 4 people

  2. Staying in the present is so difficult. Just a couple of hours ago, my husband and I were dancing to Elton John. I kept thinking, “Enjoy this moment”, but my mind shifted to a wedding we are to attend in March. How can present, past and future be so tangled? It’s an awesome question!

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Present is the only one who has eyes and the other two brothers are blind, they tag along where ever Present goes. Present has no privacy.
      It is the surrender to the present we must practice, and that is so freaking difficult.
      Present is a present, a gift, we must open it.
      Thanks a lot!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Great post! After having spent 9 years in wilderness solitude pondering such things I concluded the why of most things is unknown. In the abyss of the mystical abrstraction words are blind and philosophical thoughts should be used for amusement purposes, then the joy of living unfolds. The now is in the grand continuum of the forever in motion.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. You said it, Mcaimbeul! Yeah, the why of most things is unknown and many a times we don’t know if there is a why to things. Well, questioning and pondering at least clears the illusion a little.
      Thank you!

      Liked by 2 people

  4. Reminds me of a wonderful novel written about Descartes that I recently read. It was fascinating to me! I always look forward to sleeping because I get to dream, and I feel like it’s such an amazing world to go to; especially when I get to do the things I normally can’t. These are a few things I thought about while reading your ideas. ☯️💕🌻~Anne

    Liked by 3 people

    1. I am so happy that you could connect to my writing. Well, Anne, dreams are beautiful and the trick is to get out of that skin and be what we are out in the open. Isn’t it?
      You’re so right when you say, “when I get to do things I normally can’t.”


  5. When you state this is from a journal are you saying this is your journal? Either way I love this: “Alice fell and Gulliver travelled, all these unconventional stories have an action to it, and then there is a reaction to the fall and the travel.”-great to meet a fellow awakened hero on the journey. I also love the photograph.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. You write beautiful sentences. Nevertheless, I think that eventually you will find that there is nothing but the present.

    Think about these words by Alan Watts:

    “We are living in a culture entirely hypnotized by the illusion of time, in which the so-called present moment is felt as nothing but an infinitesimal hairline between an all-powerfully causative past and an absorbingly important future. We have no present. Our consciousness is almost completely preoccupied with memory and expectation.

    We do not realize that there never was, is, nor will be any other experience than present experience. We are therefore out of touch with reality. We confuse the world as talked about, described, and measured with the world which actually is. We are sick with a fascination for the useful tools of names and numbers, of symbols, signs, conceptions and ideas.”

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you, Constance and thank so much for sharing this extract. It’s so beautiful, thought provoking.
      The present, yes, is actually all we have. The present shapes what we think of the past, the past is always about could’ve and shouldn’t have. It’s always about what we do in the present, but still, here we are in the present, still haven’t learned, that it is now we must act, it’s only the present that we have.
      Thanks once again for making my day..

      Liked by 2 people

  7. Inspiration and encouragement, are the best gifts one can give the other.
    You say I inspire you and you encourage me.
    I think learning and living are what a man should do. I am learning and thanks to you for your wonderful comments, they make me live with a wide smile.


  8. Very intensely said,but how can one leave the thoughts of past and plans for the future .. You are really sharing an excellent thought of living in the present.. Awesome.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thanks Nikz! Yeah, leaving past and future has the story of action and words. But, life will only lift it’s face when we live in the present, planning for future shouldn’t be forsaken but brooding. And from past we must learn and move on with the experience.

      Liked by 1 person

  9. You wrote: “But the shadow is our identity. And what is the identity actually worth if we do not live in the present? It will remain like a carcass,…….” These are profound words, and my mind could not help but wonder, perhaps the shadows are waiting to be released, and therefore we shall be present, when not trying to drag a carcass into a place that it can not enter…..? Thank you for your inspired writing. I completely enjoyed your process.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Thank you for visiting my blog. I popped in to visit you and enjoy your unique voice. You weave a lovely tapestry filled with literature, music, and philosophy engaging all of my senses. I will visit again. In love and light Cheryle


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